WHERE GOING TO DINNER LEADS TO MARRIAGE

Throughout my time in Japan, I have found myself surrounded by people who are talented in many aspects of Japanese culture. Naturally, I want to learn as much as I can while I am in this foreign country, so it is my first instinct to ask them to share their talents with me. In most parts of the world, this is a perfectly natural expression of interest, but here in Japan, sometimes simple invitations will lead you to a heap load of trouble.

You see, Japan has very clear gender roles, and it is very rare that these roles intermingle. As a foreigner, I find that having the desire to learn Japanese cooking is an anomaly because men just don’t cook here. (Of course, you’ll find your chosen few, but the woman is to come home from work and take care of all domestic responsibilities.) As a quick reminder to my readers, I am in the backwoods of Japan, so this may be changing in other parts, but I do know that this lifestyle is still widely accepted in this country where the male is the dominant gender. (To all of my feminist friends, feel free to start screaming from the rooftops.)

How does this affect me? Well, along with these gender roles comes the clear definition of friendships and dating. While not unheard of, it is still very rare that women and men are just “friends” with each other unless the group of friends are a bunch of couples. Even then, the Japanese marriage often consists of a clear set of friends for each partner and it is not often that those groups socialize together. The husband has his friends, the wife has her friends, and they often have separate lives outside of the home. Women don’t attend the men’s work parties, friendly outings, or ritual get-togethers and the same goes for the frequent female gatherings.

So imagine me, a foreigner just looking for friends of any type, who finds a female friend who loves to cook. As mentioned above, my first reaction is to ask her to teach me the art of Japanese cooking. After all, I live here and shop here so my options for foreign cuisine are limited and expensive. After suggesting that we get together and cook sometime, I find that her face changes to a curious grin and shows signs of intrigue. My red light immediately goes off flashing violently in my mind as I can tell I may have just got more than I bargained for. It is later that I discover that friendships between a man and woman aren’t common in Japan, so an invitation to get together outside of work is often misunderstood as a reason to be with the other person “alone”.

Imagine my surprise to learn that I may have just given the idea to this woman that I was interested in her. As one can probably imagine, I was walking on eggshells for the next few weeks while I was around her. I had successfully showed interest in dating someone without even trying. A useful, albeit passive, technique for many had created some drama for me in the workplace.

Luckily, not much time had passed until I managed to break the cultural divide and become closer friends with her. It was then that I told her about the difference in cultures for gender roles, and we had a good laugh about the whole ordeal.

So perhaps you should learn from my mistake… tread lightly when it comes to opposite gender relationships in Japan. Even if you’re interested in the other person, dating is not taken lightly here. You may unexpectedly find yourself at a harmless dinner only to discover that you’re actually on the pathway to marriage.

YOUR “HOW-TO” GUIDE FOR ATTENDING A JAPANESE ENKAI

After reading the title, many of you are probably wondering what an “enkai” even is. Well, have no fear because after this blog entry you will not only know what an enkai is, but you will also know how to behave at such an event.

The Japanese “enkai” is a drinking party. Pretty simple concept, huh? Not really. If one took only the face value of this word, then you would assume that all of the enkais in Japan are just a reason for people to get drunk. This assumption couldn’t be farther from the truth. Believe me, I’ve had my own struggles with this as some of my friends and family just assume I’m wasting my life away in Japan drinking every weekend. The truth of the matter is that enkais don’t happen that often, but these parties are a majority of what I write about in my letters back home. (After all, you wouldn’t want to read about the long days I spend at school or the weekends when I clean my apartment!)

In reality, the enkai is much more than getting together at your local bar to slam down some Miller Lites and shoot some pool. At the more formal enkais there are speeches, toasts, congratulatory remarks for “jobs well done”, dinners, conversations, and yes, alcohol. Despite the presence of beverages that are often looked down upon, the enkai is an opportunity to get to know your co-workers or acquaintances in a more personal environment. The Japanese society is built on respect and courtesy, so in everyday situations, it is easy to sometimes lose the connections you would normally make in a relaxed setting. At an enkai, Japanese people “let their hair down”, if you will, and take down the guard that is so often blocking others from getting to know their true personalities. I would hate to think what my experience would be like without these get-togethers. It has been enkais that have truly opened the doors for getting invited to future outings with Japanese people, and finding out similarities between them and myself.

The enkai can be intimidating your first time, especially if you don’t know the language. So how do you successfully survive an enkai, you ask? Here are some pointers for you if you ever find yourself at one:

-Always wait to be directed to your seat. In Japan, the order of seating often depends on the importance of each person. This could depend on age, title, reason for the enkai, or a number of other factors.

-The most important thing at an enkai is to wait until everyone else has started drinking or eating before you dig in to your meal or drink. “Kanpais” are a huge part of the Japanese culture, and they are always carried out before anyone takes a sip or a bite of the evenings’ indulgences. A kanpai is a toast. At the beginning of the evening, the head of the party will stand up to give the kanpai. At this time, it is polite to sit in the seiza position (Japanese torture). At the end, everyone will shout “kanpai” and clink glasses. (You can now drink or eat)

-Before you take your first bite, say “Itadakimasu”. I’m still a little unsure of what this translates to, but think of it as your prayer before eating… only shout it out and do a semi bow.

-Keep an eye out for the people sitting next to you. Any time their drink is close to being empty, it is your responsibility to fill it up for them. This means that you should never pour your own drink either. Politely wait for someone to do it for you. A good rule is to fill any glass that is less than half full.

-Eating in Japan can be tricky, and you often don’t know what you’re eating or how to eat it. It is my rule of thumb to just watch everyone else and do what they do.

-If you must get something from a communal dish/bowl, use the end of your chopsticks that you are not putting in your mouth. Just turn them around and go for it.

-If there is someone that is being honored at the enkai or is important, you may want to go up to them and offer to pour them a drink.

-At some point, there may be some speeches made. Once again, it’s time for seiza! You may want to practice this sitting technique before your enkai… otherwise you may find your feet will completely fall asleep. If this happens, don’t try to stand up quickly or you’ll find yourself face-first on the floor.

-At the end of any meal, always say “Gochisousama deshita”, or “thank you for preparing this meal”. This is done to the person who provided or cooked the meal.

If you follow these simple steps, you should be just fine! I actually just had an enkai last night with teachers from Nikaho High School, but it was more casual than your typical enkai. We went after work and enjoyed some yaki niku (restaurant where you grill meat in the middle of your table). At get-togethers such as this, the formality isn’t there and you can relax! Thanks to last night’s enkai, I now have new snowboarding buddies!