Throughout my time in Japan, I have found myself surrounded by people who are talented in many aspects of Japanese culture. Naturally, I want to learn as much as I can while I am in this foreign country, so it is my first instinct to ask them to share their talents with me. In most parts of the world, this is a perfectly natural expression of interest, but here in Japan, sometimes simple invitations will lead you to a heap load of trouble.
You see, Japan has very clear gender roles, and it is very rare that these roles intermingle. As a foreigner, I find that having the desire to learn Japanese cooking is an anomaly because men just don’t cook here. (Of course, you’ll find your chosen few, but the woman is to come home from work and take care of all domestic responsibilities.) As a quick reminder to my readers, I am in the backwoods of Japan, so this may be changing in other parts, but I do know that this lifestyle is still widely accepted in this country where the male is the dominant gender. (To all of my feminist friends, feel free to start screaming from the rooftops.)
How does this affect me? Well, along with these gender roles comes the clear definition of friendships and dating. While not unheard of, it is still very rare that women and men are just “friends” with each other unless the group of friends are a bunch of couples. Even then, the Japanese marriage often consists of a clear set of friends for each partner and it is not often that those groups socialize together. The husband has his friends, the wife has her friends, and they often have separate lives outside of the home. Women don’t attend the men’s work parties, friendly outings, or ritual get-togethers and the same goes for the frequent female gatherings.
So imagine me, a foreigner just looking for friends of any type, who finds a female friend who loves to cook. As mentioned above, my first reaction is to ask her to teach me the art of Japanese cooking. After all, I live here and shop here so my options for foreign cuisine are limited and expensive. After suggesting that we get together and cook sometime, I find that her face changes to a curious grin and shows signs of intrigue. My red light immediately goes off flashing violently in my mind as I can tell I may have just got more than I bargained for. It is later that I discover that friendships between a man and woman aren’t common in Japan, so an invitation to get together outside of work is often misunderstood as a reason to be with the other person “alone”.
Imagine my surprise to learn that I may have just given the idea to this woman that I was interested in her. As one can probably imagine, I was walking on eggshells for the next few weeks while I was around her. I had successfully showed interest in dating someone without even trying. A useful, albeit passive, technique for many had created some drama for me in the workplace.
Luckily, not much time had passed until I managed to break the cultural divide and become closer friends with her. It was then that I told her about the difference in cultures for gender roles, and we had a good laugh about the whole ordeal.
So perhaps you should learn from my mistake… tread lightly when it comes to opposite gender relationships in Japan. Even if you’re interested in the other person, dating is not taken lightly here. You may unexpectedly find yourself at a harmless dinner only to discover that you’re actually on the pathway to marriage.
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